Canfy Commercial Do It Again Daddy
Love songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.
Nothing good tin come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout human history, oceans accept been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and bang-up families accept blossomed — all because of a few uncomplicated chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that fourth dimension you lot told that girl you just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that considering of a dearest song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she all of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "effigy some stuff out."
"It's just, my mom. You know? And 50.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.
That fourth dimension you held that blast box over your head outside your ex'southward firm? Y'all did that because of a dear song. And 50 hours of customs service afterward, you lot're still non back together.
Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas virtually how actual, existent-life human relationships should piece of work.
They're amazing. And so astonishing. And also terrible.
Here are six honey songs that sound romantic only aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:
1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys
Yous tin can go on your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Become Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."
When information technology comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics always committed to the back of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.
Here'south why it sounds romantic:
I may not e'er love you
Just long as there are stars higher up you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you then sure most it
God but knows what I'd be without you
If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your honey and not playing "God Merely Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and get-go over.
If you're lazily bumping a embankment ball over a volleyball net and "God Simply Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your heed, you need to rethink the choices that got you lot to this betoken.
If y'all're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.
Hippies, likely on their manner to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It'due south a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Young love. Dear with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could be incorrect with that?
Here'south why it's actually actually, really unromantic:
There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall comatose while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.
But in that location is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.
If yous should e'er get out me
Though life would notwithstanding proceed believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living exercise me?
Await, I get information technology. Breakups suck. There'southward no getting around that. Simply good God.
There's a huge departure between maxim: "Hey babe, you are my outset and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you lot get." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I'thou just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."
Merely that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...
God merely knows what I'd be without y'all
...horror-movie creepy. Because the reply, plain, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. We had a practiced run. Photo via iStock.
That's not love. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology's a form of emotional corruption.
Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any human relationship — 1 that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Certain, God may only know what you'd be without her, but God probably besides hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Accept a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.
One person cannot be anyone'south exist-all and finish-all. It'southward too stressful. And it prevents y'all from doing you lot, which is a thing that's gotta be done before you tin can practise annihilation else.
No wonder she took that chore in Seattle.
2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars
Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've ever heard. Merely, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Wait at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.
Here'due south why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, you're my gilded star
You lot know you lot can make my wish come true
If you allow me treasure you lot
If you lot allow me treasure you
Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out political party and you lot'll likely get an instant toll laissez passer on the highway to natural language-boondocks (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment nighttime is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.
Laissez passer them to a cop who pulls you over for running a cease sign, and they will think you're weird — just probably still brand out with y'all.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America considering of this song.
This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'yard OK with that.
But, hither's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:
Everything almost "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes about gender.
"Children, accept I e'er told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the outset time nosotros met?" Photo past Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things start to become south right from the very beginning:
Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby
I gotta tell you lot a little something about yourself
Ah yeah. Nada screams "respect" quite like a human lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know nigh herself."
What could it be? Could information technology exist that her jokes are funny? Could information technology be that she'south got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book virtually early on modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Thanks for teaching me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.
Spoiler Alarm: It'south none of those.
You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady
Only you walk around here like y'all wanna be someone else
Oh. Information technology'south that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.
Discussion of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't impact her solar day-to-twenty-four hours and so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout information technology at her (fifty-fifty over a funky disco snare).
So what if she does want to exist someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would exist quite prissy. A skillful way to spend a three-day weekend.
Sure, there'd be an adjustment menstruum... Photo past Eamonn G. McCormack/Getty Images.
And then later, of class, the narrator can't help himself:
Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling
A girl similar you should never look so bluish.
He respects her then much, he's really direct-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I judge everybody's got a thing.
Aye, in the earth of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange adult female and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."
He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the earth'southward creepiest pirate:
Yous are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yep, y'all, y'all, you, you lot are
By this bespeak, in his mind, she'southward a literal affair. An object. Which is fitting.
I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she'south non just any matter.
GIF from "The Two Towers."
That's ... something, right?
3. "Don't Retrieve Twice, Information technology'south All Correct," by Bob Dylan
For every bit long every bit humans have been dating each other, humans accept been breaking upward with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downwardly in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Here'due south why it sounds romantic:
Well, it ain't no employ to sit down and wonder why, babe
Even you don't know by now
And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never practice somehow
When your rooster crows at the interruption of dawn
Look out your window, and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'g a-traveling on
Only don't think twice, it's all right.
Nail. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation similar whoa.
"Don't Recollect Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. Information technology'south the vocal your older sister played on continuous loop for 6 months afterward her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to go out her banking company-teller job, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The vocal your friend'southward cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are yous looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Certain, it'due south about the end of a relationship, merely it sounds romantic. And at the cease of the twenty-four hour period, shouldn't that be enough?
Here's why information technology's actually sooooo messed up:
Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while in that location is no correct way to telephone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly benefit from a difficult, honest give-and-take about what went wrong.
It'south not me, Joan. It's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your mistake."
Allow's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my heart, simply she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, correct? You're all similar, "Babe, I only have so much unspecified honey to requite," and she's like, "Accept out the trash!" And y'all're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be plenty?" And she'south like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole business firm, fed the dog, did the dishes, and fabricated both of our lunches for the week. All I need y'all to exercise is take out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna become play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You could have done better, only I don't heed
Yes. You do mind! You lot listen! You wrote a vocal about it, you passive-aggressive prick.
Y'all simply kinda wasted my precious time
Ah yes. Your time is and then precious! Recollect about all the hours you wasted plumbing the bounding main-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when you could have been futzing effectually with that dwelling house-brew kit.
Aye, this was worth information technology. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.
The infinitesimal you first breaking it downwards, the bulletin of "Don't Recollect Twice" of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Similar your sister'due south ex-beau, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt's wind chinkle store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'south absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child back up.
"You kids want a beer? No i'southward under thirteen, right?" Photograph via iStock.
Oh yep, and the vocal'south narrator as well point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:
A kid, I'm told
That's right. In add-on to beingness a run-of-the-manufactory passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's as well possibly a pedophile.
Fifty-fifty if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'south not actually a child — which there's no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson hither would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking upwards with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the indicate.
4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," past John Denver
Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song near hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?
This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.
Here'southward why information technology sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were even so kind of new at the time it was written.
'Crusade I'thou leavin' on a jet aeroplane
To a mod ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'k a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," but in a mode that'due south somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by nine-yr-olds at summer camp. Non easy to do!
Oh babe, I hate to go
You see — he hates to become! He just hates it! Nosotros know this, because he tells the states he hates it. And why would he detest to get if he didn't love his partner only that much?
Meet ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.
Why indeed?
Hither'south why information technology's actually not that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract so much from the fact that the song'due south principal character is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates beingness away all that much:
There's and so many times I've allow you downward
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
"Infant, I hope! All the movies I watched lonely while yous were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to exercise! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But residue assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.
Yes, when you lot intermission information technology down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'south "good" despite all show to the contrary.
And for all he claims to exist broken up about having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited virtually the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo limited salad you were forced to choke downwardly as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious take chances?
"Life and so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry identify I go, I'll recall of you lot
Ev'ry vocal I sing, I'll sing for you
Ah absurd. He'll think almost her while strumming and making "my love is delicate equally the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.
And then he demands:
So kiss me and grinning for me
Tell me that you lot'll look for me
Afterward all the betrayal and heartbreak, later on basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who tin't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To expect for him?
And here's the kicker:
When I come dorsum, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah aye. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.
Different all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family bank business relationship, and only been a general screwup and disappointment.
But yeah. This fourth dimension he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.
I promise she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.
v. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge
When you lot wait up "soul" in the lexicon, the book plays y'all a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, it plays you lot the very first line.
Here'due south why information technology audio very romantic:
When a man loves a woman
Certain, you tin can write the lyrics down, merely it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, delicious pain-belting:
WHEN A MAN LOVES A Woman
Closer ... but withal no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yep! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
It's an elemental lyric.
It's a middle-shattering lyric.
Information technology'southward a lyric that demands you put your back into it.
Information technology's perfection.
Equally long as you don't go on listening.
Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Human being Loves a Adult female," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd surrender all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way
It ought to be.
Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no thing how devoted, no matter how selfless, no thing how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will dice of exposure and hypothermia.
Turn his back on his all-time friend if he put her down.
No! Jeez. No. A homo can't put upward with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a human being's whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man's mental health volition deteriorate.
I gave you everything I take
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless honey
Infant, please don't treat me bad.
This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a adult female. Herself.
"It'south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that'south not healthy.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.
(Side notation: Lest it go unsaid, at that place is way more than ane fashion for a human to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Mayhap they slumber in split bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human loves a man, I imagine information technology feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, in that location'southward no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more ane way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Information technology doesn't matter if information technology's the right metaphor, as long equally it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Point existence: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! Yous can practice this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please requite these people a call.
6. "All I Wanna Practise is Brand Honey to Yous," Heart
Honestly, Center could sing a list of the most pop AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World'due south Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.
This vocal is perfect. You should ever exist listening to information technology. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the confront and Google it. Information technology's just that important.
I am singing the telephone book. Y'all are weeping like a tiny babe. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.
Hither'south why it sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson evangelize a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on World: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one dark of listen-bravado sexual practice and so releasing him back into the wild to bone — merely never quite as compellingly ever again.
They sing:
It was a rainy nighttime when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled upwardly aslope and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a grin and then we collection for a while
I don't have to go along because you know what happens side by side, and it's crawly.
"I just sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
Now, hither's why this vocal is not romantic at all:
The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it'southward not an every bit loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.
It's a...
Information technology'south a...
Well. You know what it is:
Expert at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:
I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the pelting
Fate, tell me it's right, is this love at first sight?
Sure, many of u.s.a. might hesitate to selection up a strange leather-jacket-clad man continuing on the side of the route for a no-strings-attached screw, merely our narrator but has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta become with your gut.
I can respect that.
We fabricated magic that night
He did everything right
Cracking! Seems similar it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off large time.
But then, without alarm, the song starts to sound less similar an all-time great romance and more than similar a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a bivouac:
I told him "I am the flower, yous are the seed
We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree
Don't try to detect me, please don't you dare
But alive in my memory, you'll always be there"
I'm not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," of a sudden hateful wildly unlike things in the context of man reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking most a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photograph by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.
Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to recall, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
Then information technology happened 1 twenty-four hour period
Nosotros came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own optics
There are ii possibilities here.
One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Urban center subway advertising from ix years agone:
Photo by eyedonation.org.
Or ii: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.
I said, "Delight, please understand
Ah, certain. Yeah. No worries.
I'k in dear with another man
Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no manner the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not 1 but ii lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the i piddling thing that you can"
A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The all-time you can say virtually that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket homo probably should accept been responsible for his ain birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .
Only ... information technology's not cute. It's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).
And at the cease of the 24-hour interval, the shadiest grapheme in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.
Which... is saying something.
But in that location is a dear song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.
A vocal that does everything correct.
A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to concluding.
A vocal that can double equally a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.
And that song is...
"Processed Shop," by fifty Cent, featuring Olivia
Here's why yous might be — OK, nearly definitely are — skeptical:
50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
As catchy as "Candy Store" is, as fun information technology is to dance to, and every bit cathartic as information technology can be to scream in the eye of a crowded fraternity business firm at two a.m., there's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:
I'll accept yous to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
I'll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:
I'll take you to the candy store
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Way to accept 1 for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!
At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a classic love song.
The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The trounce is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.
It'due south not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. Information technology's non a vocal you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upwardly the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.
Information technology's only not.
Merely it should be.
So here it is. Hither's why "Candy Shop" past l Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship vocal:
You wanna back that affair up or should I push upwardly on it? Photo past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. Information technology's merely been 20 seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Shop."
Only so ... over the foursquare thrum and the mewling strings, a phenomenon occurs — in the form of a female person vox joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion call.
She sings:
I'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)
Male child, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll have you lot spendin' all yous got (come on)
Keep going 'til you lot hit the spot, whoa
It's common! Information technology'southward mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!
Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, become! Photograph past liz west/Flickr.
50 Cent himself may non be the earth's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.
Just the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets information technology:
Y'all could have it your way, how do you want it?
Rather than but imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Just Knows ("I'chiliad going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'1000 going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Beloved to Yous," ("I'yard going to fob you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Store" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Dorsum of the rental? The embankment? The park?
It's whatever yous're into
'Cause consent is sexy!
I ain't finished teaching y'all 'bout how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... believing nearly his desires.
But here's the fundamental matter: the lady on the receiving terminate of those desires? She's conspicuously into it. And nosotros know this because she says so.
The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky order floor.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photograph by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.
Girl what we do ...
And where we do ...
The things we do ...
Are just between me and you
No affair how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. Information technology will be private. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is central to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.
She may have a loftier sex activity drive, but dude is graciously offering to suit her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might become the distance after all.
And at the end of the mean solar day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing wellness insurance?
Thanks, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.
It's like it'southward a race who could get undressed quicker
Once more, everybody is having a peachy time. And, critically, an equally great fourth dimension.
I affect the right spot at the correct fourth dimension
Of form, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random braggadocio, merely if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the bearding hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practise is Make Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.
The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the nighttime or a funky, shimmering beloved god. He's a good partner.
"Processed Store" is raunchy. It'southward muddy. It'south not your grandmother'due south love vocal.
Just when y'all strip away the swagger, the dorsum beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the 24-hour interval, isn't that what a salubrious relationship is all about?
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.
So seductive.
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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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